49. Self and Other

It is often speculated that the sense of self and other are related. But the literature on this is pretty confused, frankly, in neuroscience and psychology. The sense of other sense that we’re in relationship to other minds, is often summarized by the concept of what’s called “theory of mind”, in which we form some understanding of the beliefs and intentions of other people. And we do this fairly early. We don’t do it reliably until about the age of four or so. It certainly happens in stages earlier than that. But as far as the capacity to really understand that people have goals and intentions and beliefs that can diverged from ours, that takes a while to develop. And until about four, people don’t reliably show it in all its forms. And of course, this becomes the cognitive basis for empathy. And a condition like autism is generally described as a massive deficit in this area, in being able to form a theory of mind. And there are few other terms that people have used to describe this faculty has been called mentalizing. And “mind sight”, and “mind reading”. And Dan Dennett, call that the “intentional stance”. Clearly this ability to recognize and interpret the mental activity of other people, is essential for normal cognition, and social development. But the problem with linking this to the feeling of being a self is that we can form an understanding of the beliefs and intentions of other people, without feeling like a self at all. In fact, some of our least self conscious experiences are those we have, when we’re acutely aware of the mental lives of others. Just think of what it’s like to be totally engrossed by a film, or you’re sitting in a darkened room with other people. But if you’re really into the movie, you tend to forget that. And you certainly forget that you’re just staring at light on a wall, and you become completely immersed in the mental and emotional lives of the people you see on screen. And the most unusual thing about watching a movie is that you can stare into a person’s eyes without being implicated yourself, right? This is not a circumstance we ever encounter in life, where you can watch a person’s facial display of emotion, and intention, you can listen to them speak, you can see them act. And there’s absolutely no possibility of being seen yourself. And I think this is one clue as to why watching film and video is so captivating for us. It’s a kind of hack of our psychology, right? It is a totally novel experience.

In evolutionary terms, just think of how strange it is to be able to look more closely at the faces of these people than you ever can, even at those of people with whom you are deeply intimate, and there is no chance you will be seen. But the crucial thing to realize here is that this is an experience where you are all the while forming a theory of mind about them, your understanding their behavior, and emotion in precisely the same terms, that you understand the behaviors and emotions of people out in the world, right. So theory of mind is intact. And yet this is a circumstance where most of us lose our sense of self, to a remarkable degree, right? You really are faced when you’re watching a film and captivated by it. So the connection between the sense of self and the sense of other can’t be found where many psychologists and neuroscientists put it. But it can be found at a different point. It emerges when we recognize that other people are or can be aware of us, where we understand ourselves to be an object in the world for others. And I think there’s a far more primitive sense in which we have a theory of mind. And I tend to call this fundamental theory of mind.

Now, the French philosopher john Paul Sartre actually seems to have understood this. And he claimed that our encounters with other people constitute a kind of primal circumstance of self formation. And he had a great analogy in his book being a nothingness where he described the human condition as being one in which we’re all preparing In the position of a lawyer, who is standing outside the window of the object of his lust, who then hears the sound of someone stepping up behind him, again, and again, we’re continually thrust out of the safety and seclusion of pure subjectivity, by the understanding that we’ve become objects in the world for others. And I think in this sense, self and other really are two sides of the same coin. And from the point of view of this practice, of meditation, looking for the self, and failing to find it, is a circumstance in which this connection can be tested. And it becomes quite vivid when you’re in relationship to another person. If you’re talking to someone, right, and they’re looking you in the eyes, and you follow the direction of their gaze back to where you presume yourself to be. And you fail to find yourself in the decisive way that Douglas Harding alludes to, in his description of having no head, you recognize that you’re headless? Right, that the only head you see is that of the other person. This experience, however brief, it might be, in the beginning of feeling no longer implicated, right, no longer on the receiving end of the other person’s gaze. It is not an experience in which you have lost the normal theory of mind, you can still understand what the other person is saying and doing and how they feel. Nothing has changed. And yet, on some basic level, only the world remains in those moments. And then when this feeling of self comes back, it reemerged as a kind of contraction as a kind of collapse of your own attention. And here, Sartre’s analogy seems very apt. something comes up from behind you, in a sense. And the practice of mindfulness at that point, is a matter of continually cutting through this identification we have with that pattern of recoil, and collapse that we experienced in those moments. Be sensitive to what it feels like, when you become self conscious in the presence of another person. This feeling, all of a sudden, that your face is a problem. What has happened, what has made you somehow unable to merely see the other person in a totally uncomplicated way? What’s your problem when you’re self conscious? And where is all of that appearing? Mindfulness can become the tool to untie that knot. The knot that you call I, the knot of self.