47. Looking For What's Looking

The most common source of frustration I’ve heard about from users of the app relates to the practice of looking for what’s looking, looking for the self, looking for your head, looking for the seat of attention, there are many ways this concept comes up. And some of you find it quite paradoxical. Somehow, it seems impossible. You don’t know what to do, when I suggest you do such a thing. And this feeling of uncertainty frustrates you. Over the years, we’ve heard from many of you, on this point. So I want to say something to address this. First, let me say your frustration is totally understandable. Because in the context of any meditation, where you’re following your breath, or listening to sounds, or noticing other sensations in your body, when I give you this instruction, to turn attention upon itself, to see if you can find your mind, I seem to be suggesting that there is more here to discover and experience, then what you already have in hand.

If you can’t follow this instruction, you’re getting the message that there’s something that you’re missing. And there might be. And that’s why there are two stages to this practice, there is what I’ve called dualistic mindfulness, or ordinary mindfulness, the mindfulness everyone has at the beginning, and non dual mindfulness, mindfulness that is synonymous with the recognition that there is no subject behind attention. In the middle of your head, there’s no center to consciousness, the place from which your knowing your experience, is not on the edge of experience. Rather, you are identical to experience. And that really is the insight into selflessness, and emptiness, and many other arcane concepts that I’ve talked about in other contexts. It is the fruition of a certain stage of practice. But it is the basis for a subsequent stage. So in those moments, when I’m asking you to turn attention upon itself, that is an advanced instruction, which comes somewhere around the middle of the introductory course. So again, let me say that your frustration here is totally understandable. But it’s not helpful. And it too, can become just another object of mindfulness in the next moment. Right. So if you feel frustrated, that you can’t do it, or you’ve seen something, but you’re not sure what it was, the resolution of that experience, is not to think more and more about it, and get wrapped around the axle of discursive thought, rather, is to drop back and recognize this new state of mind, frustration, feel it as a pattern of energy, and let it go. And then in a very relaxed way, experiment again, with looking for what’s looking, turning attention upon itself, looking for your head, if your eyes are open, and see if in that first moment, you recognize a shift with a feeling of there being a center to consciousness falls away. And if it does, just let that experience persist, for however long it does. And in the beginning, it will just be a moment or two. There is something to glimpse here. But you do need a certain degree of mindfulness and concentration, to follow the instruction. And to have your attention become available to noticing what again may be a very brief break in the clouds. And when you do notice it, then you can become more and more familiar with it. And then can become the basis for your mindfulness of anything that arises. It’s also possible to have this glimpse of non duality, and to not see or feel its significance. And this is something I spoke to Richard Lang about in our conversation. In his series on the app, this practice is framed In terms of looking for your head, and not finding it, and this is the way his teacher Douglas Harding, always introduced this experience. And as I believe Harding said, somewhere, the voice of the devil says, “so what?” Right, some people don’t see that this is the answer to all or any of their problems. And I’m sure this is one of the reasons why in the Xhosa tradition, they tend not to teach beginners this practice. One, it can be hard to do. And two even those who accomplish it may not get the point, initially. And this is because unless you’ve spent enough time, practicing meditation, for the purpose of recognizing the illusoriness of the self, unless you’ve gone down the path of ordinary mindfulness long enough, you might not notice how this brief glimpse of centerless openness, answers all of the contemplative or spiritual tests you would put to It. It is almost like you’ve been given the answer to a riddle that you weren’t trying to solve. But if you’ve been struggling to find a solution for days or weeks, or months, or years, then when you get the answer, it snaps into place. So I just want to encourage you whether you are someone who is struggling to glimpse the non duality of awareness, and getting frustrated, or you’re someone who thinks you’ve glimpsed it, and you’re not sure that it’s anything more than a cognitive curiosity, will encourage those of you who are in either of those camps, to simply relax and keep practicing. Because there really is an insight to be had here. And it’s not far away. And it can seem to be of minor significance in the beginning. But the more you explore it, the more you notice. That it is the way consciousness always already is. the more you’ll discover that the difference between being distracted by thought and being undistracted is absolutely profound. This is the stage at which the relief of mindfulness becomes undeniable. In fact, at that point, mindfulness no longer seems like a practice at all. You’re simply enjoying the freedom that is intrinsic to the nature of mind.
The thing you’re looking for, is already the case. The thing you’re looking for is that which is doing the looking. And at a certain point in the practice, you will fall more naturally into a recognition that ordinary consciousness already enjoys the freedom that you would otherwise seek.